Saturday, February 09, 2008

Little Wishing Star


So I recorded myself singing something I wrote today, mainly so I won't forget the way I sung it the first time.. Sadly I don't have an instrumental to go with it though ;u;/ So for now it shall be without such additions 8D;;; Maybe when I get my keyboard and stuffz to work with Garageband I can make one.. That's an extreme maybe of course.. C': And maybe I'll make a better audio recording of it.. When my voice isn't sounding so grainy ;w; *grainy voiced like a pebble* Anyway.. O: I made it into a little video type thing -3- Even though you only see one picture throughout >8DDDD *evil* But anyway yes, I had to pick one picture of myself to use.. Out of over a thousand D: *takes too many photos* I guess this is my favourite photo.. Well, maybe, I have several favourites XD;; I guess the boredom of Saturday afternoons has effected me after all ;;; *Enjoys echoing* C:<

Oh, and I almost forgot D: the lyrics: 

Sometimes
I wish I knew the answers,
I wish I knew them now,
I need a little bit of wisdom,
To get me back on solid ground.

I've fallen forward,
I've been twirled around,
And now I'm not quite sure
Which way is up
And which is down.

So please,
If you would, do tell me this,
Are you still listening?
Oh, listen here my little wishing star!

I've been lonely lately,
I've had nothing to say,
Oh won't you,
Let me have my way,
At least for a little while..

You say you're only thinking of me,
But don't you have to think of others too?

After all..

I'm not the only one.

I'm not unique in this world,
I don't have a 'selling point',
All I have is my heart to give you,
All I am is my voice.

But how it wants to carry you,
How it wants to see,
But only my eyes can do that,
Though my heart often tells me otherwise..

But still,
I know I'm not the only one to you.


Anyway, Enjoy C:~ 

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posted by Amarynthous @ 11:12 pm 0 comments

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Vermin Exterminator at my Door

So maybe it's all going down the nick? Or at least I am. It was really at the end of the year before last that I knew I wouldn't be able to keep this up.. And at the time, I thought 'this' was the continuing to be alone and the like.. But... I still feel as though something needs to change, I'm still anxious, though a great deal less than I was before.. It's still there.. The fear and the loneliness.. Helplessness that I can't help but let wash over me.. I feel a great sadness eating at my insides.. Disfiguring the only lungs I have to breath. But I'm not really sure if I'm empty or full. 

But I've lost any motivation I ever possessed, I can't even remember what it feels like to be motivated to get up and do something. So uninspired, and the only thing that keeps me doing things is my drawing.. And my writing, that's all I do now, draw and write.. I have so many things to say, but I worry that I'm making a big deal out of nothing all the time, maybe I am too dramatic? I mean, it's not like it works for me, but it's what I am, friendships mean so much to me.. They are my fine wine and cheese. I can't just brush off everything as if it's a blade of grass on my muddy knee. This is like a battle, for every move you make, I make an equally disturbing retaliation. And if you don't like it, then you can jolly well go home to your crumpets and tea; No loss here.. I hope. I know I enjoy control, manipulation is something I employ on a daily basis, but I can be reasonable too.. I am sure.. But these raging rivers, they block out my screams. I always think, well, when we are chatting, it's you and me, no one else, no one else exists in that moment, in that confined box, only the keyboard matters, and nothing is out of the question. I wish you could see my secret enthusiasm.. My gestures, my life. Maybe then you would see that it's not just a game to me. It's all very real to me.. my life is very real. 

And now it seems, there are a lot of things, that just don't feel right anymore. People won't listen; Maybe that's a bit more of a general sweep than I should put on it.. I think there is someone I need to call. But does he ever pick up? Hm.

I feel as if I need to say something.. But the words have ran away already, tired of waiting for my lips to form them into real sounds; Tired of me. I've been advised to do something.. But I'm worried it'll lose me something I need. I don't want to lose yet again, not like this. I need a certain someone to hear me out, even though I don't know what I could possibly say to justify my idiocy; My stupid feelings are truly indecently placed. Would it be okay to say I'm not worthy? Because I cannot stop myself from feeling what I feel.. I can't render myself feelingless, unlike some marvelous whimsical people out there it seems. I've tried to be there, as much as I can, but, someone is still sleeping.. I don't think they see it. I care deeply for them, even though they make me hate them so, all in the same instance they once inspired happiness, but now I'm left with tear stained cheeks. I need something to say. 

But anyway a poem I managed to write.. Which I like C: ;

So pointless in your eyes, 
They have no purpose 
I think that's what you mean. 
I am irrelevant and all that I feel is unreal, 
Shot down for satisfaction not for pros. 

Kill the carpenter that made me,
Shoot them dead and down,
Lay them on the table, all them souls,
And watch them leak gold.

Like a vermin exterminator in my house.

Everything is gone and lost,
How do I begin,
If the end is already breaking the door down?

Pointless and surreal.  

Closing my eyes I take a deep breath,
But I want to cry.

There are no comforting shoulders here
A marching army,
Into the battle field.

I want to speak,
But my mouth is gagged.

I thought you were everything 
I needed to be guided by,
But as I sit here,
Feeling that cold stare that refuses to lift,
I realize something.

You can't understand it,
I don't even think you could feel it even 
If you tried.

You're not like me at all.
Unacceptable, maybe.

They look at me
Believing there is strength in this withered shell,
But I crack, 
I break and I 
Chip away.

You make me cry.

I don't know how to do anything else
Any more.

So shoot me dead
To the floor,
And hope 
I don't get up for more.

Hope I stop crying.

Aren't you the one who should care too?
Aren't you real,
Truly?

I don't feel it now.

Dead and tear stained,
But no longer crying.

Memories fade gently in a flickering light,
A burning heart lost,
A mind wasted on blind eyes.

You make me cry. 



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posted by Amarynthous @ 4:13 pm 0 comments