Monday, January 14, 2008

The Hero - I don't die

I've been wondering why I feel so empty as of late.. Makes me wonder why I continue.. And then I thought.. "Well who is it who is my 'guardian angel' anyway? And where the hell have they got to? Missed the train maybe? D:' I'm not sure if a 'guardian angel' can be any one real person.. There are a lot of people who have helped me throughout my life.. And people who have hurt me, but in effect have helped me to learn something for the future.. I know who I would like to say is my one, 'guardian angel' kind of figure person.. But. I wouldn't want to throw such a responsibility of taking care of my craziness on any one person. -3- Ultimately I think they know who they are already O: ;D Ho ho. They make me happy 8'D It's nice to be able to forget about the troubles in life that we all have and just be.. Free from our metaphorical chains of realism for a while.. To dance with our bare feet touching the sand.. To lay in the grass of a well cultivated friendship. To have fun. Sometimes it's really good to catch up with the old friends too, the treasured, long time folks you know and love; The special people you keep in your heart will always be the people who are there for you. As you are there for them in turn. I am grateful for all of those special people I know who make me smile and laugh C: Know that you people are te awesomez ;D!

So.. Some more poetry has arrived for those of you that read this 8D! Maybe I will write more about said 'hero' later O:!

This poem is about several things.. Mashed together I guess O: Because.. A long while ago I knew someone who made me realise that forever doesn't really mean 'for ever'.. And that makes me weary of going into anything that's supposed to be 'forever' or really trusting anything or anyone who believes in 'forever'.. I guess. I just.. I don't really like to say 'forever'.. It's also about feeling as if the person/thing which is protecting you is slipping away, or indeed wanting them to come back.. That feeling of safety and security, I remember it.. Well, I think I do. That's what the hero is.. I think. The personification of 'safety'. One time last year I felt really insecure.. And I was reading a book at the time, and all I wanted to do was stay within it's pages.. I was so scared of the real world. Because I had no one at the time, I knew that my heart was about to be broken, you know, like.. You know you're going to get burned just before the water hits your hand.. But you can't do anything but stand there and wait for it to happen. I waited for a while. But the wait only made things worse when it actually happened... 

Around that time I was really down and angry and quiet and upset, I didn't have anyone to talk to about anything.. To fix the wrongs that had been made.. I didn't know how to mend it. Even now I would like an end to it, I don't feel as if the end has really happened, the book isn't closed yet.. I'd like it to close, because, even if they were willing to go back to what we were before, which they won't, that I know, I would never be able to. The trust has been broken.. The seal opened and the cookie eaten, it can never get back to what it once was, ever again. But that's okay. I learnt something from it.. I really did.  I just hope I can protect myself better in the future.. I know I deserve all the pain I get; But they deserve whatever they get too. I hope they are doing well anyhow. XD I guess at that time I just felt alone, I pretty much set myself on lockdown. That was the first time I had felt this way.. Never before had I felt so terrible inside.. Like my heart was rotting inside of me; My insides were dying... And then my life screeched to a halt.. A really painfully long skid to it actually.

But I cried all of my tears over those, what? 6 months was it? Something like that. But there never comes a day when I don't feel the pain of it all; At first everything reminded me of this special person, absolutely everything, I couldn't open my eyes and scream without seeing something that reminded me of them.. I think of them less so now.. I just accept it, after all thats all you can do; Accept and move on I suppose. It's funny really, recently I thought "Well, what does their voice sound like anyway? I.. I can't remember" Because I can't.. I really can't remember what they sound like.. But I know that person I knew, doesn't really exist anymore anyway, the memories of them I hold within me, they're just old versions of the present, none existent dreams, nightmares, flashes.. I never thought I would last this long.. But I still feel the same way I did back in September.. I feel as if something has to change, 'Something gotta give' comes to mind.. It really has. I just don't know what yet. I don't feel as if I am 'living' right now.. I'm just waiting here on stand-by. Anyway. I'll stop rambling now. 

The Hero - I don't die:

This feeling,
I do not recall,
I know I've felt it before,
But that was a long time ago.

I'm so scared of forever now,
You know, it's a lie.
I'm so tired of 'always',
It 'always' ends in tears.

Oh won't you prove me wrong?

Please don't die,
Please don't die,
Please don't die,
Please don't die.
don't die.

I don't think
I can take care of myself,
I'm unsafe,
You gotta' stop me from falling again.
I'm stupid,
I do what I know I shouldn't;
I'm still misguided.

Please change my mind.

I have no faith,
Just the none existent current,
Pulling me forward.

I can't believe,
While my eyes can see
This deception
Right in front of my feet.

Please don't die,
Please don't die,
Please don't die,
Don't die.

I need you;
You are the only thing
Guiding me
Home;

My glimpse at the truth.
A lie within in which to lay my head at night;
My invisible safe house.

My anchor is here in you,
Though it may seem impossible.
You are my shield,
My angel, guarding me,
Silently.

Don't ever stop existing.

Dealing me blows of my own,
Trouble I need,
But you keep me out of the bad storms.

.Thankyou...

Please don't die,
Please don't die,
Please don't die,
Please don't die.

I don't what I would do-

I need an adventure,
In this game,
You play the hero;
That's why I call out your name,
When I'm alone,
When I'm lonely.
When I'm unhappy,
I call out your name;
You are the hero;
So don't leave now,
Don't go yet.

I'm not ready to say goodbye.

This game isn't over!

You can't die.
I won't die.

I won't let you
Go home,
Your home is here,
With me.

Don't you remember?

The weight of the heavy rain,
Washing me downhill.
The rays of your sunshine;
They bring the warmth back in.

In my bones,
In my soul,
On my mind,
All the time.

My door is open.

So..

Don't die,
Please don't die,

Please,
Don't,
Die.

This game isn't over;

Not yet.

..So just remember...

I don't die.


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posted by Amarynthous @ 5:50 pm 0 comments

Saturday, January 12, 2008

The Rope

I've been very.. Well. There are decisions to be made,
there are moves to be played, and a whole lot of pain to be felt; I imagine anyway. 

In other news I wrote a poem today, I saw something, and, I had to write this..

EDIT (Monday 14th January 2008, 18:25) : My birthday went well ;DD It was funz~~~ I feel somewhat better today 8D!.. That is all x3 All this down here is irrelevant ;D o3o

I hope it will clear a few things up for someone... Because I don't know where I stand with them any longer... And my method of rectifying such things on my own is cowardly D: I wrote this while listening to part of a song called 'This Way" |3;;;; And yes I am upset and mad again D: *phail* I hope I don't feel like this tomorrow D8;;; *my birthday is tomorrow* Any day but then. XD;

I always wonder why I fling myself into things that end up killing me inside D: I give things away too easily it seems.. Show too much; Give away the weakness. Let the words pour deep inside of my heart, and then I freeze up.. I don't pay attention in any way that would benefit me.. And then. Then I am lacking in answers.. I have no fight in me. I better go get some.. Looks like I'll need it. 
But it only happens every so often.. The people that mean the most to me... I.. Somehow push away/lose.. Am I incapable of being happy? Why must I be so clingy and controlling D: And it always seems it's my fault.. I guess that's because it is. YOU HAVE TO STOP ME NOW; IF IT MEANS ANYTHING; I NEED YOU TO TELL ME. I really mean that. Do I really have to do things I'll regret? *overreacts* Crazy caps lock thar ;w;/ I don't think I'm in a good place right now \;3;/ *in need of hugs* Shhhhhh~ ;'DDD 

The Rope: 

I stop talking.
I stop talking,
I stop talking
Now.

Standing still;
Is the war over yet?

Do I care if I win or lose?

It doesn't matter,
Just so long as it pleases you.

I stop talking.
I stop talking,
I stop talking
Now.

The background noise flitters in and out,
The seas vicious waves;
Sweeping me out to sea.

I do not believe.

But the tide will come back in,
That I am certain of.

I wonder,
Do you control these,
Happenings?

I stop talking.

I stand still,

I am unmoving,
I don't care.
I don't care.

I still care.

I stop talking.
I stop talking.
I stop talking.

This is an irrelevant battle of wit now.

You build upon what you've got.
And I will watch silently.

Pointless retorts in a fruitless land.

Learning the words and the lies;
Off by heart,
I know your lines.

You have no crosses to me,
Our paths are broken.

Broken.

They have been for a long time..

Still willing to fix them?..

Still willing to heal.

I stop talking,
Close my mouth
And leave.

It got passive,
It got easy,
It got harder not to...

I got reluctant and secretly seething,
Or not so secretly.

I stop talking.

Will you stop breathing?

I'd like to imagine that somewhere,
Somewhere within you,
There is a caring soul.

But I have not seen it,
I have seen tyranny; yes.

But that does not equal the compassion
Trying to escape from within you.

I stop talking.
I stop talking.
I stop standing in your wake.

Did the best man win?

Has the best woman got your back now?

I stop talking.

These lips,
They will not purse for you.

I stop talking.

I shall not shed a tear upon this empty..
Feeling.

If you could give me a sign,
Making it obvious,
If you could.

Straight forward denial;
It has to stop.

How can an army function,
With a captain that's asleep;

How can our bodies listen,
Without the technical input of nerves.

How can our hearts beat
With nothing to breath?

I stop talking.

Stop me now and maybe I'll start.

I stop talking,
Someone pull me back up.

I stop talking,
I stop moving.

This is the wall you have assisted in building;
Pretty ain't it?

I stop talking.

Won't you stop breathing?

I need a sign here,
Anything to identify the right move.

This game of chess is dwindling;
Finish the game with the move only you can make.
Finish me off.

No mercy.

I stop talking,
Silence.

I need a sign here,
Anything to peer,
Into the gloss of the sun.

I stop talking,
I stop talking,
I walk out with my arms folded.

I know you don't know,
You don't know about my perfume,
You don't know.

I know you don't know,
You don't know about my red lips,
You really don't know.

But I think you grasp what you're losing here;
Take a sip-
I wonder if you'll like it.

I stop talking.

Don't you listen to me?

I say you should take me seriously;
Or not at all.

I stop talking,
Ruffle up sleeves
And turn around.

You can have your way now.

Did you suspect this?

I wonder if.

I stop talking,
What will you say now?
Where will you go?
Who will you go with?

An empty ideal,
but I wanted it.
I realise now,
You are not an object.

And that's why..

I stop talking.

So many uanswered questions,
Maybe it's my fault.

Jumping in too deep;
Drowning is a probable possibility.

I stop talking.

Look what you've lost,
I hope it doesn't matter.
I really do.
I hope I mean nothing;
Because I wouldn't want to hurt you
If I meant something,
Anything.

I won't even say what you mean and meant to me;
That would only be to promote guilt.

I stop talking.

This is a war,
You obviously think you are in charge of.
Am I that predictable?
Reading me as I speak.

As I have read thousands of others;
Books I shall keep,
Though the covers are worn.

I stop talking.

Can you read a closed book?
I know I've tried,
And you know how that went.

I wonder if you are making a decision.
I wonder what the other options offer in my place;
I wonder what the point of this debate is.

But I don't feel like waiting,
It's hurting already.
I jumped in too quickly,
And now I am burnt.

Your mark always on me.
Your words always in me,
Covering my mind.

Littering the corridors;
The luggage I leave with,
The luggage I take away,
The things I leave behind.

Am I making a mistake?

Please inform me if I am.

For whoevers benefit;
For yours at least,
Or others you care for.

I stop talking.

"I'll give you a moment to think this through."

Gesturing to the leather seat
In front of a rather dark desk.

"Will you sit down?"

I stop talking.

And watch you carefully.

Background noise of shuffling paper,

"This is a factory you know." -

A factory of ideals;
Of beliefs.

Eyes move to the seagulls,
Calling their shrieks in the silence.

"Why who would want to fly now?!"
Gesturing arms in the air,
"The exaggerated freedom!"

Green eyes look up conveying incredulity,
But I look away.

I stop talking;
Oh, aren't I just awful?

I'm sorry you've lost me,
I'm not following you.

I'm leading my own way through these trees;
Good luck to you.
Good luck indeed.

I would have.. Stayed.
And no I'm not giving up.
You request treason,
And I'll hand it to you.

Punish me as you will.

Stop me this time.
Someone please stop me.

I stop talking.

I'm sure you know how to reach me,
If ever needs be.


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posted by Amarynthous @ 5:04 pm 0 comments